WHY IS SAYING SORRY SO HARD?
When working with couples, I have often noticed a reluctance, a stubbornness, a resistance that makes it difficult for them to soften enough to say “I am sorry” to their partner. It feels as if these words are somehow an admission of something deeply shameful, something about our innate failing. But saying sorry is worth it, it can build trust and can benefit the giver as well as the receiver. Most importantly, it fosters forgiveness and a deeper connection between a couple.
Saying “I’m sorry” requires tremendous humility and vulnerability but the ability to say it can strengthen a relationship when it’s done right. My question is why is it so hard for us to apologise and why do we often get it so very wrong?
When I sit in a session with couples and wait for one of them to apologise to their partner I often feel a tension in the room. More often than not, the apology comes with a “but”. There’s a certain defensiveness that is included in the sorry and it takes away from the apology. When we want to express regret, we need to use “I want to apologise” or “I’m sorry”. Using the “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility.
It’s also important to acknowledge any harm you’ve caused, this is a vital component of an apology. Saying you didn’t mean to do harm weakens the responsibility. Leaving space for your partner to express their feelings without interrupting is key. Also, asking how your partner feels is another way of telling them you’re sorry and that you acknowledge it’s hurt them. At this point, your partner doesn’t want an excuse or justification.
It can be helpful to tell your partner that you will be mindful not to repeat the offence in the future, but this intention needs to be followed through with. This requires the person to be aware of their behaviour and understand the triggers that might lead them to repeating it. It might also be helpful to ask your partner if there is anything you can do to repair the damage they have caused.
Finally, ask for forgiveness but let go of any expectations. Asking your partner how they might see the two of you getting back to where you were before this happened and asking what you can do to help make it better is a way forward. These injuries take time to settle and process so try not to pressure them and acknowledge it might take time.
Saying things that are hurtful isn’t ideal but it happens. What is important is how we say sorry. It needs to be authentic, heartfelt and always allowing plenty of room to acknowledged what has happened and give space to see how it has impacted on your partner. Coming in without defensiveness is key to enable a reconnection to take place between you and your partner. After that, time usually does the trick. If not, keep talking!
Shirlee Kay
www.shirleekay.co.uk/