How to Know When to Leave a Relationship:Why Women are Leaving their Relationships
I have recently been seeing more and more women determined to leave their long-term relationships. It can sometimes seem impulsive, without a concrete reason behind the decision. So what I have tried to understand is the reason why women who have been in secure and mostly happy relationships suddenly feel this strong desire to leave. It leaves me with the question: “How do we know when we should stay or when we should go?”
No one should tell a couple when to leave a relationship; not a friend, parent or therapist knows about your relationship, only the couple knows. Deciding to stay or to leave is not a right or wrong decision but leaving without giving your partner the opportunity to understand leaves everyone unresolved. Despite feeling hopeless in a relationship, my experience tells me that when we hit the bottom, there’s a lot we can learn about ourselves. Working with couples, I feel more optimistic that people can and are willing to understand themselves, change their behaviour and find acceptance and love in their relationship.
Some of the women who I have worked with have kept their feelings to themselves for years. They assume that their partner won’t or can’t change and end up making a unilateral decision to leave which can result in their partner being confused at best and often devastated. I have begun to understand where this confusion might come from. With one couple I see, the woman wants the “space” to better understand why she wants to leave and is trying to understand her own confused feelings and this is reflected in the relationship. Because she has been wrestling with these feelings in her own head but not communicating them to her partner the confusion has grown and has become overwhelming to them both. The good news is that as she has slowly untangled how she feels, the clearer her relationship becomes. She is no longer projecting all her unhappiness onto to relationship.
But other women have brought up their dissatisfaction in the relationship many times and don’t feel heard and simply give up, feeling as if their only choice is to leave. I’m working with a couple where the wife has been telling her husband that she needs things to be different in the relationship and despite many months of defensiveness he made some changes and believed that they were on the right track. At the same time, she’s still unsure if she can stay. She is bruised and fatigued and it makes it difficult to stay positive. This can sometimes be a tricky time for couples; things are changing (slowly) but there is resentment around and a feeling that it’s too little too late. This is when it’s crucial to slow things down and help the couple see that they are both in a reactive position, hurting and need to be compassionate to themselves so they can begin to see the other person’s perspective.
Of course, there are no easy answers but there are some guidelines that might be helpful in making a big decision that will impact many people.
Abuse/Violence: non-negotiable. Domestic violence is a legal issue first and a therapeutic issue second.
Deal breakers: lose/lose situations. When an issue for both partners is unacceptable and the relationship is impossible to continue.
Choice: When there is no desire to look at the issues together or with a couple’s therapist.
Strong feelings of disrespect and contempt with one’s partner.
It’s never easy to blow up a relationship. There are huge consequences that affect many people and from my experience, the decision is never taken lightly or without a lot of reflection and pain. Working with a couple’s therapist can help to clarify and better understand how to stay or decide if it’s best to leave. Either way, a couple needs time to talk in order to understand why and if healing is possible.