Coupleworks, A Thanksgiving
Coupleworks has been around for decades and if you have read our blogs throughout the years you might not be aware that the women who make up this remarkable group have their own relationships, individually and collectively with one another. In many ways, our group has mirrored the couples we see in our practices: we have had ups and downs, differences of opinions, and miscommunications like any other relationship. In other words, all relationships have their difficulties and need attention and care.
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Why do couples continue to have the same fights?
It doesn’t surprise me that the couples I work with have the same arguments over and over again. Whether it is about how to load the dishwasher (my personal favourite) or not checking in with their partner when they accept an invitation, these tiffs seem to go on forever.
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Thanksgiving and Gratitude
Gratitude and giving thanks is one of the ways we check in with ourselves when we feel the whole world spinning. It reminds us to slow down, take a pause, and see what is right in front of us. This week is Thanksgivingin America and as the leaves turn and start to fall into winter it feels right to remember to give thanks to the people we love and the beauty around us. Noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging everything that you receive. It means learning to live your life as if everything is precious and recognise that we are in control of creating a life that holds meaning.
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What does a roadmap mean in couple therapy?
While trying to think about what I wanted to blog about and getting nowhere I happened to meet with a couple with a difficult issue they wanted to address. It often happens that my clients provide me with blog inspiration as well as tricky issues I sometimes struggle to know how best to address.
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How to cope with anxiety when the world is spinning
When I started to think about what to write in this blog, nothing seemed as urgent as the anxiety I have felt and spoken about with clients over the last couple of weeks. Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has dominated our news and has found its way into our psyche and our nervous system.
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Does having children make couples happy?
Paul Bloom, a contributing writer for the Atlantic, asks the question in his article “What Becoming a Parent Really Does to Your Happiness”. He states that most research has found that having children is terrible for quality of life but adds that the truth about what parenthood means for happiness is a lot more complicated.
Social Scientists and Psychologists argue that couples are happier without children; others have pushed back, claiming this isn’t the case. But Bloom says a bigger question is also at play: ‘what if the rewards of having children are different from and deeper than happiness.’
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Jealousy: How to embrace it and talk about it
With lockdown slowly coming to an end, we are slowly interacting with more people. For some couples, this is a welcomed relief to spend time other than our partner but for some, it can bring up feelings of jealousy that have laid dormant throughout lockdown.
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Motherhood, guilt and self-care
Before women have babies, they are conditioned to believe that a good mother always puts themselves last; otherwise, they are overlooking their child and are being selfish. So, it’s not surprising that since the Pandemic began, being a mother has got even more demanding. Overloaded with their own work, domestic responsibilities and homeschooling, women often have an uneven burden to carry in the family.
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How to manage anxiety
Anxiety is the new epidemic running parallel to Covid-19, and there is no mask, social distancing or vaccine to combat it. Even with the second lockdown ending this week, people are more stressed and anxious than ever before with no assurances that the world will ever be the same again.
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When clients lie in couple therapy
As a therapist, I assume clients will be honest with me, naive as that might sound. This is not to say that people will be completely transparent; I appreciate that we all need to protect ourselves from our wounds and sometimes withhold things that might be difficult to admit, even to ourselves. Still, when couples come into therapy there is an assumption of intent that each person is coming in truthfully, even if, in some cases, it takes some time to get there.
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Resilience and COVID-19: How trauma in early life can sometimes be a resources in how we cope
It’s always curious to me that when I start thinking about what topics to write about for a blog I start to see articles, podcasts and radio programs about it. Weird. It’s as if the collective unconscious has come together and feels the need to give voice to the topic at hand – in this case, resilience. In a time where the world feels as if it is constantly changing and transitioning to the “new normal” our resilience is continually challenged.
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Books to read
Quarantine fatigue is real. After two months in lockdown, Groundhog Day has become a reality and to help us all through the ‘new normal’ our therapists have put together a list of books and Podcasts that we have found useful and often recommend to the couples we see.
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Two views on working with clients during the COVID-19: Couple therapist and family lawyer
When Rachel, a family lawyer, asked if I would like to co-write a blog on “Relationships in Times of Covid-19” my first thought was how different our jobs are. I work with couples to see if their relationships can improve and get better; Rachel works with them once they’ve decided that they can’t. That was then, Covid-19 has changed everything for all couples regardless of what stage their relationships are at.
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What to do when your therapist gets it wrong
Most therapeutic relationships start with what psychotherapists call the ‘positive transference’ between client and therapist. This is where the client projects their positive feelings on to the therapist based on their experience of a “good object’ from previous significant relationships. When this happens, the therapist is somewhat idealised and can do little wrong. It’s a natural part of the process, and it helps establish a solid alliance between the client and therapist.
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Imposter Syndrome: I gave a short talk at The Wing, the London private member's club for women.
I am a couples and individual therapist and have been working in London privately and for the N.H.S. for the past 30 years. I like to think I have a great deal of experience and every once a while, I feel as if the people I see genuinely appreciate working with me. I wake up every morning feeling grateful to be doing this job. And yet, every single time a client walks into my consulting room, I feel like an imposter.
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Having Difficult Conversations Needs to Happen Before Real Change Can Happen
We all avoid difficult issues, both small and large, because we feel the discussion can escalate and that might mean the end of a relationship. But avoiding difficult conversations is risky because the issues are still there and will create resentment and hard feeling until the issue is worked through and resolved. When we avoid having the hard conversations we limit ourselves, our relationships, and the possibility of change.
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Learning to Argue
The Metro asked what my views on couple’s arguing styles and the best ways for couples to argue. Here are my answers.
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Death, the Avoided Topic: How to Work With Loss
During the past year, I have experienced two close deaths (ok, one was a pet). It’s taken time to fully appreciate the impact this has had on me. I’ve learned some fundamental lessons throughout this process, and how some of my narratives about death have been informed by my background, and society’s expectations of the expression of death.
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How Supervision Serves the Client
It is widely accepted that all counsellors, whether experienced or starting out, will benefit from regular professional supervision. A supervisor acts in a mentoring role, providing emotional support as well as information and guidance.
Geldard and Geldard (2001).
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The Use of Antidepressants in Therapy
My views on antidepressants have changed over the years. Where I was once not in favour of their use, I now see their benefits with clients. The problem is that most antidepressants are too freely given out without thought or proper assessment and there is rarely follow up with clients to reassess their progress.
It is important to say that feeling low at times is part of the human experience and allows us the opportunity to know ourselves better and helps us to manage these feelings as they come and go.
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